Say Goodbye to Sanity
by Armontentia
Summary: "Love is what fools feel. Love makes you fight for people. All you should be fighting for is yourself. Otherwise you might as well say goodbye to sanity as soon as you feel it."


**_A/N: Hope you enjoy this!  
><em>**

**_Pairings: Lord Voldemort & Bellatrix Lestrange._**

**_Rating: T_**

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><p><em>December, 1978.<em>

"Rodolphus, why can't you just leave me _alone_?"

"You're getting married next year, Bella. Why can't you just… accept that?"

"I've accepted it already. I just can't accept I'm marrying _you_."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You're weak."

A scoff: evidently, Rodolphus thought that she was talking about his strength.

"You love me," she spoke quietly.

"What's the problem with that?"

"Love is a weakness."

"It isn't, Bellatrix."

"It _is_."

"How come, then?"

"Love is what fools feel. Love makes you fight for people. All you should be fighting for is yourself. Otherwise you might as well say goodbye to sanity as soon as you feel it."

"You're wrong. Love makes you _stronger_."

"You'll find out one day, Rodolphus."

_**(He did.)**_

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><p><em>October, 1979.<em>

Bellatrix sat on the grey stone wall that separated the Lestrange Manor's garden from the muggle valley down the steep hill. She was staring down at a non-magic couple that were sitting on the hill, and had not noticed her eyes on them. They were holding hands. She felt disgusted with them. They thought life was _so simple_. She knew better than that.

Her husband's Master walked out from the house behind her. She didn't notice until he placed an icy hand on her smooth cheek. Bella jumped. You couldn't blame her.

"What's on your mind, Bella?" his voice calmed her down, which was odd. Most people, she knew, would be terrified. She wasn't.

She gestured towards the couple. He laughed.

"Love is for fools, Bella. I thought you knew that?"

"Yes, my Lord… it's for that reason I can't help but wonder why so many people look for it." At her words, the Dark Lord sneered at the pair of muggles.

"Most of the world is made out of people who are too blind to realise their mistakes. I'm glad that _you _can see what is right."

"My Lord?"

"Your husband is becoming… weaker by the day," he met her curious eyes, "I realise you've been trying to make him see sense. It's a worry he hasn't yet tried to stop loving you… now, tell me what has _really _been troubling you." She sighed, knowing he'd refuse her request. She wasn't even a Death Eater, yet their relationship was closer than his and his servants.

"I was hoping… well, it seems a ridiculous thing to ask of you, my Lord… but I'd like to…" she fidgeted where she sat, not sure of how to word the question she'd been wanting to ask for so long now, "join your cause."

His face reflected slight surprise, before considering her. "I thought you already had."

"I mean… properly." He tilted his head to his left, moving his eyes across her face. She could feel him prodding around her mind, and sudden memories showed themselves to her.

_Three year old Bella, wiping the tears she shed while watching her father scream at and torture her mother._

_Six year old Bella, cuddling two year old Narcissa._

_Seven years old, gazing at the towering buildings in Diagon Alley._

_Ten year old Bellatrix, laughing at the muggle child she had just cursed. It was impressive magic, and a spell known by few._

_Her first wand, boarding the Hogwarts Express, arguing with her Divination professor, visiting her family during the Easter holidays, watching as students messed around in the snow outside of the castle, setting fire to a muggle street when Andromeda left, burning Andromeda's name off the Black tapestry over and over, doing the same when Sirius left, Rodolphus telling her of their marriage, her wedding, meeting the Dark Lord for the first time… _

These were the pointless, quick flashes before the more serious things came in. How willing she was to serve Lord Voldemort, her knowledge of Dark Magic, exam results… they all impressed the man who stood before her.

"I'll think about it, Bella." He brushed several curls out of her eyes, and then bent down so that they were face to face. Both of them searched the others eyes, questioning what was hidden behind them. She didn't fear the crimson colour his iris's were like so many did.

He then stood up, seemingly satisfied, said goodbye, and then walked to the apparition point, before turning on the spot and disappearing.

'You might as well say goodbye to sanity as soon as you feel it.'

_Goodbye, _she thought. She knew then, that the mixed up feelings she held for the Dark Lord were the closest think she'd ever have to love.

But then again, she didn't really have to say goodbye to her sanity. She'd never had much of it.

* * *

><p>"No." A hint of hesitation was heard in his voice.<p>

"Why not?"

"You're a woman, Bellatrix. Woman don't _fight_." Rodolphus stated.

"You knew when you married me that I've never been interested in playing the perfect pureblood wife role, Rodolphus. That's Narcissa. Perhaps you should've asked my parents to swap?" Bellatrix said bitterly.

"Stop it. You know, you weren't the only one who had no say in our marriage."

"I never said I was."

"Then what were you suggesting?"

"Exactly what you are. Men are counted above women."

"Rightly so."

"Oh? Why'd you say that, then?"

"You should be staying at home raising children!" Bellatrix laughed.

"You know as well as I do that I'm unable to carry them," she snapped. She didn't really care, to be honest. She couldn't imagine herself looking after heirs for the Lestrange family.

"That's not my fault. Maybe if you hadn't been so _reckless_ when you were younger, we wouldn't be having this problem." she stared at him, surprised. Reckless? _Ah, _she thought. She never did tell him about her father's abuse when she was a child.

"What's life without a little risk?" she replied, hiding the threat of her voice breaking. Bella winked at her husband before walking out of the room, only letting a single tear fall down her pale face.

It was a phrase she and Sirius had used throughout their lives - and as soon as she thought of him, she gritted her teeth. The sooner she found out whether the Dark Lord would recruit her or not, the better.


End file.
